For the Whole Fam Damily

Remember Marshmallow Man from Ghost Busters? You know, that massive, fluffy, giddy blob that stomps around with a gloriously stupid grin, causing immense amounts of turmoil to the city folk? He was just a ginormous angry sugar concoction. He had crazy eyes, for goodness sake. And people still pissed themselves at the sight of him walloping down the street.

Well, I kind of feel like that’s how love is. Well, my love anyways. Oh, unscrew your face and keep reading. It makes sense, I swear…

I have a talent (or curse, as I like to call it) for loving fiercely. I don’t mean this BS, “Oh, I love your hair!” or “I love this song, it’s my jaaaaam!” or, “I absolutely love sushi and crème brulee!” (which actually is my favorite meal and dessert, by the way). I mean LOVE. FIERCELY. FEROCIOUSLY. I harbor love that needs to be tamed, because it is wild and if not properly domesticated, I find that it tends to morph into this gooey slap-happy monster that escapes and ends up incredibly out of place.

Having that said, I’m very selective with whom I extend this dangerous passion. There are only a handful of people to whom I dedicate my heart’s motives, and truly say that I love. Obviously the man and the spawns; they are my life. But other than that….

Buddha said, “He who loves 50 people has 50 woes. He who loves no one has no woes.” Hmm…sounds intriguing. Sounds inviting.

But I just can’t. I have to love. I have to hurt over the ones I love. I have to get on my knees every morning and pray for you, cry over you. And look out if a situation arises in which I need to give my life for you. Because I will make an immaculate swan dive into my grave and do the breast stroke all the way to heaven, all the while belting out the song from Toy Story, “You’ve got a friend in me.” I’ll probably mess up a lot of the lyrics, but at least I’ll nail the raspy voice part. It’ll be a stellar rendition.

And so, to those of you who have awarded yourselves with my unconditional and irrevocable love, thank you for loving me, and for making me one of your own. You are my family. And rest assured, knowing that as long as you are centered in my ring of fire, I will do everything in my power to keep any harm from you. What is mine is yours, and I promise that I will always tell you the truth. And one more thing…

…Stay Puft.