Why I "Flitted" Off the Twilight Bandwagon

I’m guilty. I have to admit - shame-facedly - that I purchased and read every single Twilight book. I have something else to confess. I watched the movie. Twice.

Why did I self-inflict such a literary catastrophe? Well, it’s like any other sin. It’s enjoyable for a season, but when all is said and done, you’re left with an empty void in the pit of your stomach and a disgraceful aftertaste…like you’ve been sucking on a handful of dirty nickels.

Despite the fact that Edward has the personality of a paper towel and Bella, the disposition of a day-old biscuit, I somehow succumbed to the Stephenie Meyer Spell; I couldn’t put it down. Maybe it was the fact that it was such an easy read. Maybe it was the whole vampire/werewolf love triangle. Maybe it was my sensual attraction to Jacob Black…whatever it was, it wasn’t enough to keep me from getting nauseated at the amount of times I had to be subjected to Edward’s “smoldering” eyes and Alice “flitting” down the hall.

Now what I’m about to admit is being growled through gritted teeth, tightly closed eyes, and clenched fists: Stephenie Meyer obviously did something right, considering she’s a multi-millionaire, a world-renowned author with five published books under her belt, boasts of a 4-movie contract, and is selling royalties like a 4th-grader sells girl scout cookies. She is one rich and famous Mormon.

Now is the time I unclench my fists and thrust my arms towards the sky, tear my eyelids open, and tip my head heaven-ward while shrieking, “WHY, GOD? WHHHHHYYYYY!”

For the sake of time and my sanity, I’ll spare you my critique of the entire series. I just want to briefly vent about the last book before I spew my final thoughts. Breaking Dawn was one of the worst books I’ve ever read. I am convinced that she refuses to edit her books. On top of the mountain of grammatical errors I stumbled through, I could actually envision her writing this book - sweating over her computer, having no idea where she was going with this highly-demanded series conclusion. The wedding held no emotion whatsoever, and since it was at the very beginning, it killed the entire love triangle that she had been building throughout the entire series. But then when Edward was going to have Bella and Jacob sleep together to reproduce, I got really excited. It was scandalous, it was hot, it was controversial…and then nothing ever happened with that. She went in a completely different and ridiculous direction. EDIT, STEPH! EDIT!

And don’t get me started on the fact that male vampires can reproduce but female vampires can’t. CONSISTANCY, STEPH! CONSISTANCY!

And lastly, the book concludes with a stand-off on the baseball field, some fightin’ words, and the Cullens coming out victorious. Where have I read that before???? Oh that’s right - THE REST OF THE TWILIGHT SERIES.

Don’t be mad at me. I understand that I am a minority in this Twilight-crazed society. And like I said, I drooled over the books myself. But as a writer, I have no choice but to bad-mouth this charmingly cheesy series. I do have to thank Steph for one thing, and that is her creation of Jacob Black. Again, I know I’m the minority because I’m pulling for the underdog (no pun intended, well maybe a little bit). But Jacob Black is the best character she created. He’s hot, he’s funny, he’s genuine, and he’s got personality.

Lastly, and with all due respect to Meyer…please don’t - EVER - compare her to J.K. Rowling. This is a blasphemous comparison. J.K. is untouchable. To refer to her as a literary genius is an understatement to the point of an insult. Obviously Stephenie is one of the most beloved authors of this time, but her static characters, her repetitive story lines, and her shallow themes...come on. Forks will never hold a candle to Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

So consider this your warning. If I ever hear the names Stephenie Meyer and JK Rowling in the same sentence, I will wait until Jacob Black comes to my bed in the middle of the night, and while he is mauling me and whispering hot and sexy nothings in my ear, I will tell him to hunt you down and kill you.